so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
