My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
