we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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