I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize