New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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