You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
