You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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