when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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