drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize