I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
