YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you inspire me to be a worse person
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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