my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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