apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
