and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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