went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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