You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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