I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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