Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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