i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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