i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
