like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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