If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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