Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dear god my vagina.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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