Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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