I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize