He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
