I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
