who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
