whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
