shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
