u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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