we have pet lesbian snakes
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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