I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
