I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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