who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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