Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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