My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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