just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
