I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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