she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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