he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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