He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize