Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
