Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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