You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
