i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
