So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
