I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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