saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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