You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't deserve a penis
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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