Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
