The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
