I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
