the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
