I wish I could teleport
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
