; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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