Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
